2/29/2012

Kick at the shadows...


One of my favorite lyrics of all time is from the mighty Bruce Cockburn:

"You gotta kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight...."

One thing I was not prepared for with motherhood was the amount of time you can easily spend at home.  Maybe I thought it would be easy to pack up a kid and hit the road all the time.  I had grand ideas of going for long walks with my baby, coffee in hand.  Now, I count it a success if I'm out of my PJs before noon.  Nap times are important all of a sudden.  Feeding an infant and the natural schedule that comes with that is the structure to your day.  If I'm out and about and Zoey skips a nap or only gets a snooze in, it throws everything off.  Or that's how it feels.  Even now, when Arden arrives home the debrief is as follows: "Zoey did/did not nap well, she last ate at [this] time, she was cranky/pleasant during [this] part of the day."  Time becomes simple and complex.  I find myself choosing one task to complete during her nap, and when there's only 2 of them, you have to work fast to get a shower in.  Particularly during these Canadian winters, it's very easy to not step foot outside in one 24 hour period and then for me, it's easy to feel isolated and loneliness soon settles into my bones.  The mothers of our community have been gracious and open to a new cohort.  Coffee afternoons and mornings out have been plentiful.  Friendship literally surrounds us.  I guess I'm just ready for spring.  Ready for green and a new freshness in the air.  I'm ready for the sun to linger longer into the evening.  I truly am blessed to spend my days with a gem.  There are frustrations and there is always fatigue yet, there are a myriad of smiles and sunshine that litter the day. 

 Arden and I are committed to healthy living, even when the days seem brisk [and long].  It's very easy to settle into the couch each evening, flick on the TV, pour some wine, and just sit all night long.  It's very easy to order take-out or hit up the drive-thru.  I think the other nursing mothers can attest to feeling RAVENOUS all day long.  I'm pretty sure I graze from dawn until dusk.  And my milk stock- pile could feed a small baby army.  Literally.  I've been challenged to make those constant snacks, healthy ones.

 All this to say, as a Mom, it's easy to feel alone.  It's easy to let naps and diapers and nursing successes (or disappointments) become your steady vernacular.  Creatively, emotionally, and physically, we all need a little bit of balance.  For me, it's seizing those 15 minute intervals to write or read, it's picking up the phone to call a friend, it's putting the baby in the car-seat and rolling with the day, it's sharing a meal with my husband, it's peeling off my winter skin and letting the sun shine in. 

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