The pendulum swung this weekend - from extreme gratefulness for friendship, love, and provision to selfishness, resentment, frustration and pride... and back again. Life is so complicated and hard and I just don't get it. Sometimes I have to stop, and have a sobering cry about it all before I remember to be thankful.
After the past few days of feeling lonely and hurt and trampled my instinct is to retreat. Retreat to a safe place where I can quietly reflect and be out of sight so as to finally tend to all the other tasks at hand.
Hurt and pain is consuming. Bitterness and resentment even more so - a gross distraction from life.
It's not healthy to remain here yet sometimes when you've plummeted "the depths" there is such an increase in clarity and self awareness. Perhaps even an assurance of the journey ahead.
Among other things, I am struggling with my place as an artisan and professional. How does art and professionalism both flourish? How do I nurture the artistic and creative souls in others while maintaining and advocating my own craft?
Sometimes the love/hate relationship of society with "working art professionals" really gets to me. As a working violinist the line gets really blurry sometimes between work and play. Personally, I can create for the heck of it. Professionally, I create to get paid.
How is it that we can correct others on matters of philosophy and science and calculations, yet when it comes to matters of musicianship (in my case) it pricks and stings and immediately brings up the gallant arms of defense. You would never tell a biology professor in a moment of correction that they are a pretentious know-it-all. Yet a clarifying musician is labeled a vehicle of snobbery.
Nobody likes an artist that gives you the creative snub.
Likewise, nobody likes the scientist that ruthlessly argues their point to the detriment and abuse of others. Or, maybe, I just don't like them.
I don't think a blog is the appropriate place to talk about the nitty gritty. Besides, nobody likes a weepy self-martyred artist, so tonight I will close with this:
When it stings and I am insecure, foolish, and immature I will remember that He is making all things new. Even me, a frickin' tool.
I have been smitten with this song by this liturgical post-rock band. I didn't even know such a thing existed.
I don't even mind the outrageously simple lyrics. In fact, I think I prefer it simple right now.